Making a House a Home

When I was a child my family home was created on paper by my parents and an Uncle who was an architect. It gained walls as our ward family came and helped us hold things in place. The truss for the roof was put up by trained professionals but we put up the shingles. We also did the drywalling, the texture on the walls, painting, carpeting, window installations and cabinet installs. Together as a team we built our house and in return our house building experience built our home and our family unit.

(Google) This is my house but from google as I can't find pictures of building it right now.

As the old adage goes, “measure twice; cut once”. The same principle applies to marriage relationships. Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 states, “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceeded that which is great.” As we put these two thoughts together it is clear that the little things matter in a relationship that is meant to be the foundation for societal units. 

With so many different ideals and gimmicks tearing families apart it is important to focus your effort on staying connected by turning toward each other as a couple. Gottman suggests that couples should turn toward each other instead of away. He gives plenty of ideas on how to do this but it is usually in the mundane topics of discussion like a boat outside that reminds you of a trip you once took. These topics allow couples to remember fonder times and reminisce while also building on their mutual trust, “A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life” (Gotmann), who wouldn’t like more of all of those in their relationships? It’s as simple as taking the time, for the little things and recognizing efforts of your spouse just as the above scripture relates, it’s in the little things that great things happen.

While considering the potential a family has to make an impact on the world it is clear to see that God had a plan when instituting marriage. Two people; whom are raised by completely different family situations come together with a promise to make their own unit. Each person brings a different light and a different load of opinions onto the drawing board. Husband and wife consider together the pros and cons about how they themselves were raised and decide what is best for their family. This is what I consider “measuring twice”. Even though my parents are divorced and have been for a few years I still consider the way that they raised me helpful in my new role as wife and someday in the future as mother. Together with my husband, we measure that which is of worth in our upbringing. We then measure what ideas we have together and consider what is best for our future family. Once we have measured twice we are now ready to cut. We decide the template for our family and cut the blueprints by establishing rules, routines and consistency. (Steinberg)

 References

Gottman, John Mordechai.Silver, Nan. (1999) The seven principles for making marriage work /New York : Crown Publishers,

Steinberg, L. D. (2004). The ten basic principles of good parenting. New York ; Toronto: Simon & Schuster.

Google. (n.d.). [Google Maps 878 North 4200 West, Parowan, UT, 84761]. Retrieved August 22, 2015 from https://www.google.com/maps/place/878+4200+W,+Parowan,+UT+84761/@37.8581744,-112.921964,3a,75y,86.91h,90t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sGkX1Jc3g3-IwKcDRS_XJ0Q!2e0!7i13312!8i6656!4m5!3m4!1s0x80b543430826e855:0x78ca5235a97ae32d!8m2!3d37.8582268!4d-112.9207593 

Decisions- A Way to Learn How to Love Better

          Married or just live together? White dress or colored dress? Sleeves or no sleeves? Where will we live? Who will work? Will we both work? Pets or no pets? Apartment or house? Kids or no kids? When should we start having kids? Etc. etc. 

          The list of questions requiring answers could go on forever when dealing with taking a relationship to the next level. As your relationship develops and you start having kids the amount of decisions only get more involved and more wanting of you. This week I learned that it is crucial to our relationships, married or not, to work on understanding each other. 

In John Gottman’s Book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work” he described what he calls love maps. A love map is Gottman’s term for “the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life.” (Gottman, J.) He compares the bilblical term for sexual love is to “know” and shows that this love map is how we do this. 

In his book, Gottman gives us various activities to help us understand our love map. Together with my spouse we have completed a few of these tasks. As we recently exited the dating stage and moved on to dating we are pretty familiar with the ins and outs of each other’s lives. The activities didn’t strike us as too involved.

Once we moved into chapter 5, “Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration” we felt our love develop a little further as we completed, the “I appreciate” activity and “Cherishing Your Partner”. (Gottman, J) With a hectic week we had to set aside specific time for both of these. In doing so the time was set apart from any distractions and really made the experience special. These activities helped us to remember how important we are to one another and to just feel the love that we have for one another.

            While we completed the “I Appreciate” activity, it was just as Gottman described in his Love Lab, “Couples who began the session sitting stiffly and awkwardly suddenly relax. The room fills with laughter.” As my husband and I began going through these we sat together looking at my Ipad trying to determine which five were appropriate for us. We started with some funny ones like, “Thanks for being such a great mom.” We have no children or even pets for that matter. We joked about it a bit as I complemented him taking the kids to the pediatrician. We laughed and it became silly for a while as we read through the ones that didn’t really apply to us but we acted as if they were real complements. Once we began the conversation of ones that really applied we nestled into each other and settled there. We showed our appreciation with our words but our body language changed as the conversation became more personal. We were able to feel the admiration of one another through the words yes, but also through the way we were able to connect physically.

            The “Cherishing Your Partner” (Gottman, J) activity was much of the same. As we individually wrote the list and thought “I am really lucky to be with my partner.” I realized how I could not be accomplishing the many things I am without his love and support. It just would not be possible. The list of ten traits quickly became a letter of way more than that. Thinking positive thoughts about your spouse truly leads to a deeper appreciation for them. As we read our letters to each other it was a special moment where what we perceived as weakness were recognized strengths by the other. Through completing this activity we learned how important it is to recognize the appreciation we have for one another in order to support each other’s efforts to become better people.

References:

Gottman, J. M. (Ed.). (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Three Rivers Press.

From Me to We- Strengthening The Family

This week has been an interesting one. I feel like I have read too many statistics to keep straight in my mind but, I do know that the family has been under attack and continues to be under attack. The myths about family life were proof of this. The idea that we have lost our extended family made me sad as my husband and I recently returned from a trip to visit my grandparents as my grandpa is dying, I cannot imagine life without him as he has always been my special friend. It makes me laugh that people still believe that opposites attract. This is true with magnets but even their attraction overtime is weakened. In order to create solid families we need to find a mate who has similar beliefs and goals so that we are working together towards the same goal instead of the opposite direction. 

Many of the common beliefs about marriage and family living are wrong. The changes from traditional values like that of abstinence before marriage, having children in wedlock, to the much more liberal views of accepting premarital sex as the norm, having children out of wedlock and cohabitation undermines the eternal nature of the family. Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother have set forth the pattern of families in the eternities. It has been in practice since before we were on this earth as just intelligences. As these common beliefs resonate more with people the adversary is thwarting Heavenly Father’s plan for us. It is sickening to me that it is as simple as making a generation more acceptable of immorality that puts His plan on it’s head statistically. How can we strengthen the marriages already in place and help prepare future generations for the commitment that is marriage and family living?

In order to strengthen marriages and family living and to prepare the future generations for marital commitments I think it is crucial to teach/learn cooperation. My siblings and I all participated in school sports teams and in music through marching band. These simple organizations helped us to learn how to work together for a common goal and change the “me” mindset to the “we” mindset as described in our readings this week. What are way’s in which you were raised that helped facilitate the “we” mindset instead of the me?

Will you have eyes to see, What heaven see's in you?

Attacks on the Family and Why We Defend

As I consider the sensitive subject of legalizing gay marriages I think of a song called, "What Heaven Sees in You" by Mindy Glendhill. They are as follows:

Sent to this earth

You were saved through the ages for this day and time.

Child of great worth,Pure and holy,

In a little white dress.

You were held in a circle and you were blessed.

And the father looked down,

And the angels surrounded that place.

They knew the truth,

All that you could do.

And you will to,

If you have eyes to see,

What heaven see's in you.

Dressed in white once more,

Making promises to follow in God's way.

So much lies in store,

For the little girl who enters at the gate.

Pure and holy,

In little white dress.

You were led into the water and you were blessed.

And the father looked down,

And the angels surrounded that place.

They knew the truth,

All that you could do.

And you will to,

If you have eyes to see,

What heaven see's in you.

Do you understand who you are?

Part of the father lives in you!

And if you continue on this path,

Every promise God has given will come true.

Heaven on earth.

In the house of God,

So much fills your heart and mind.

Woman of great worth,

Woman of promise daughter of the divine.

Pure and holy,

In long white dress.

You were promised forever and you are blessed.

And the father looks down,

And the angels surround that place.

They know the truth,

All that you can do.

And you do to,

Cause you have eyes to see,

What heaven see's in you.

Will you have eyes to see,

What heaven see's in you?

Sure this song has many references that people outside of my particular religion and church do not completely understand but the essentials shine through to me. Angels in heaven know the good that we are capable of and are right there waiting for us, coaching us along so that we can become all that we are promised to become with God's help. As we come to a crossroad when we have a tough decision to make I hope that we can take a minute or two pray and ask God for angels to guide our way.

This weeks reading assignments were difficult for me. I felt like I was reading things that were completely foreign with words like “certiorari” and “dissenting”. It put me in the position of discovering the reasoning behind my own opinion, which was difficult. I felt like I could relate to the petitioners in Obergefell v Hodges and their reasoning for wanting a family of their own and to take care of their children and to have a partnership in a spouse. As I felt that I felt like I was betraying my faith as I know homosexuality is not the way to eternal life. It was a weird conundrum as my heart felt like it was against my faith while reading the beginning of the supreme court ruling. Thankfully that feeling didn’t last long as I read Elder Russell M. Nelson’s speech, “Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage”. Marriage is ordained of God, it is the way by which we are granted eternal life and we need to stand up for what is right.

As I read the petitioners stories about why they were petitioning for marriage as homosexual people their pleas became my pleas. I want to have a spouse that I can rely on and to be a spouse unto whom someone can rely. I want my future children to be well taken care of if something tragic were to become of me or my spouse. These were the reasons they shared for wanting to become married. My heart also yearns for those but in a non homosexual way. As I continued reading and read that they do not want to undermine marriage but, “want the enduring importance of marriage” (Obergefell et al) They saw marriage as a profound commitment with privilege and responsibilities. That is where my testimony took hold of my heart. As quoted in the Book of Saint Matthew, “Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” We must follow the doctrine we know to be correct despite the pleas of that which is wrong.

Elder Nelson woke my heart further with this quote, “Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.” The choice is not mine to make. I owe it to my future children to make the choices to raise them in a family setting with a mother and father. As Elder Nelson continues, “Disciples of the Lord are defenders of marriage. We cannot yield. History is not our judge. A secular society is not our judge God is our judge.” I do not want to be on the receiving end of those judgments as they will hurt. I have a testimony of the eternal nature of the family and of God’s plan for His children. We are responsible to defend the truth we know in all circumstances. It may not be the popular thing to do but it is what is required of us from the Lord. “Man simply cannot make moral what God has declared to be immoral. Sin, even if legalized by man, is still sin in the eyes of God.” As His disciples we are responsible to stand up for the eternal perspective we have of our identities and our responsibilities as His children.

Nelson, R. M. (2014). Defenders of marriage. Unpublished manuscript. 

Obergefell Et Al. v. Hodges, Director, Ohio
Department of Health, Et Al.
Certiorari to the United States Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit, (Supreme Court 2015). 

What Are Your Keys For?

Have you ever really looked for something? Like your keys- you search your house! You make sure to search the usual, “I always put them right here” spot.



When they aren’t there you be sure to check the "sometimes over there"spot.

Which resorts to checking the pants on the floor or in the laundry basket from yesterday spot

and finally think you’ve found them! 

I know it’s Wednesday but they have to be in the church bag used on Sunday for Sunday School.



Discouraged to find them still missing you consider a break down, “Hey Honey?” referencing your spouse, “Have you seen my keys?” Together you think about it, maybe even pray about it, then the search recommences with reignited fervor. I’ve done it a thousand times! Together it’s easer to find things.

This parable came to mind as I considered standing for truth in marriage. I’m not here to tell you what is right or what is wrong. I just have learned that it is important to stand for something and to pick those “somethings” together. 

While in school as a single student it is easy to take a few minutes before the beginning of the semester and decide your own goals and expectations for the semester. It’s a simple lined piece of paper with a couple jotted lines of what you want to accomplish this semester and maybe a few bullet points on how to make it happen. Once you get married it gets a little more complicated.

Ideally you come together with your lined papers and compare goals and expectations. I’m happy to relate that didn’t happen when Josh and I got married. I had some goals scribbled in my brain and maybe a couple notes in an app on my I-pad. He had lots of goals written on his eyelids as he slept that never really made it to paper. Before marriage actually we purchased a book entitled, “300 Questions LDS Couples Should Ask Before Marriage.” Written by Shannon L. Alder. It helped us to get on the same page before literally sealing the deal.

I believe that it is crucial to a marriage relationship to determine what your key’s are for. As a couple we need to determine what we will stand for and that which is unacceptable by our standards. We need to be sure to make our Father in Heaven a key, His Gospel another key, our marriage one, and future children another for sure. But have you seen my key ring?! I have way more than just four lonely keys. Together through prayer and careful consideration between husband and wife we need to make “my” and “their” goals become “our” goals. After all; we are better together.

Marriage and How to Do it

I'm now currently enrolled in BYU-Idaho's Online program. I'm working full time and taking 3 courses so needless to say, I sleep a little, see my husband a little bit and am reading a ton. The courses I am taking are full of statistics of Marriage, Family Relations and Parenting. Currently two apply but hopefully one day the third will get there. My husband, Josh, and I are preparing as much as we can for the future even though everyone says it won't help. Knowledge is empowering and we are learning all we can until Heavenly Father blesses our little apartment with a new little one.
This blog will become a place where I can write about the things I am learning and share them with my classmates and anyone else who wanders to my little space of the internet.
My husband and I were recently married in the Oakland California LDS temple and It was a beautiful occasion. I've never been one for being overly girly so of course I rocked some velvet converse under my dress. The lesson I learned that day coming out of the temple ladies is this. Try walking in your wedding shoes with your dress before the time when you are walking out newly wedded to tons of family stares. I nearly tripped and spent the whole walk out of the temple laughing as my newly dubbed husband tried to keep me upright. :) Want proof? See below! (notice you can see the bottom of my shoe curled under my dress-trapped by my wedding dress)

Individualized Education Programs

After watching the video on Individualized Educational Programs and thinking a lot about IEPs I realized that that is what life is all about. We go through this life guided by a teacher (The Sprit) who helps us find our way through tests (trials) in order for us to return back to Heavenly Father. We have been given different trials. Each person is unique and the problems they go through help them to become. Once we realize that we are not alone in our struggle and that our teacher wants whats best for us and that our goals will be met if we but continue on; life becomes that much easier. This is the same experience parents of exceptional students need. Our teams of specialists and teachers who work together so that their child will be successful in what they want to do. As such it is our responsibility as future students to be as confident in our students as we are in our own ability to teach. As parents go through difficulties with a subject matter or with some homework their child cannot due yet, it is our responsibility to help them feel just as confident as we are on the Spirit and our Heavenly Father. We are the team those parents rely on and as such we need to be unified and positive in the success of students.