Webster defines choice as, “the act of choosing: the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities.” (Webster) Consecrate is also defined as, “to make or declare sacred.” This week I learned that these two elements are crucial in creating a successful marriage. We need to make the choices that allow us to consecrate our marriage even in the seemingly minuscule situations.
In marriage there are many issues that come up and can turn in to areas of difficulty for spouses. John Gottman describes two types of problems that plague marriages today; solvable and perpetual problems. Perpetual problems are those that are unmovable, neither party gives in and there is sort of a stalemate. These problems often do not change, they are the same argument at the four-year follow-up in Gottman’s experiments. These consist of 69% of marital conflicts. (Gottman) These are thankfully not the problems that will ruin your marriage. In fact Gottman described these problems that plague marriages as overwhelming but, “they’ve learned to keep them in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” Solvable problems are those issues that are less painful, gut-wrenching or intense. With Gottman’s advise these problems should be met with a soft start up, use repair attempts, be sure you don’t flood each other, learn to compromise and become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections. Simply stated we need to make the choice what problems are going to be sustained and that which we are willing to compromise on. We have the choice and need to use it in caring ways in our marriages.
Lynn G. Robbins describes the choices we have thanks to agency and how we must choose not to be angry. “Angression.. suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” The places in which we set our frustrations are those sore spots we need to be aware of and apply more active use of our gift of agency. We do not need to be angry with one another because of a situation we are going through. We should place those feeling and learn to understand them in the context in which we are experiencing. This allows us to make better choices for our betterment as well as practicing our own self-control.
When we put the advise from Gottman and Robbins together in practice in our marriage the little problems do not matter as much and we are able to work through issues better. While putting these ideas into practice I have realized that I am in control of my emotions and not the other way around. Just because my husband follows Nancy’s ideal of squeezing toothpaste from the middle of the tube, doesn’t mean I need to choose to lose control every time I go to brush my teeth after him. (Goddard) While practicing my agency to avoid anger and focusing on the point of the discussion we are going through I have noticed a heightened sense of unity in our marriage. We do not frustrate each other and we are more together spiritually than before. We feel that effect of consecration described in, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” as, “We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so that we can give yet more.”
References:
- https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/choice?src=search-dict-hed
- Gottman, John Mordechai.Silver, Nan. (1999) The seven principles for making marriage work /New York : Crown Publishers,
- Ahttp://www.clipartpanda.com/categories/choice-clipart
No comments:
Post a Comment