The Marital Poop Detector and How to Install

When you get married there are so many decisions to be made, dreams to be shared, ideas to create and hopes to achieve. All of these areas leave room for disagreements and overall discord within your new marriage. A lack of communication about these; even in established marriages, plague couples with perpetual problems and miscommunications. Gottman describes what he calls a “Marital Poop Detector”- that acts as, “a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy.” This detector helps marriages detect discord before it becomes an all out war. (Gottman)

It is important to consider the expectations you have for your marriage with your spouse as well as considering the needs of yourself in marriage. Gottman discovered through his research that the marriages with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually ended up with the highest-quality marriages. So the key here is not to lower your expectations to meet the expectations of others but to help you and your spouse meet the high expectations because it is worth it. 

It is most important to be your spouse’s best friend. Consider now, your relationship with your very best friend who knows everything about you. Conversely you know everything about them correct? This idea of friendship needs to spill into our marriages to help them remain strong. I believe that this is a key to maintaining a healthy marital relationship. When you think there is something off in your friendship with your best friend you call them out and find out what is bothering them. This is the same advice that a couple from Gottman’s study used to keep their marriage together in rocky times. “When her husband gets cranky or withdrawn, she calls him on it and finds out what’s wrong.” Most often it’s the wife but there isn’t a rule explaining only women can do it.

Often times in my marriage  lately I have been stressed out to the max. I’m working full time; close to 50 hours a week, going to school online, in summer taking 9 credits and teaching both relief society and the 13 year old Sunday school class with my husband. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now to

say the least. My husband is a good example of calling me on my crap. If ever I am stressed and he feels a disturbance in our usual banter he always pats the seat, bed, chair next to him and tells me, “Come tell me about your day, it will only take a couple minutes.” This time that he takes from his busy schedule also working and doing school allows us to be there for eachother despite not always agreeing on what is needed.

The Marital Poop Detector is a sensor that can be developed in a marriage as couples remain friends and call one another on the discord that is sometimes felt. No matter the situation as couples, being a friend and seeking that understanding with one another allows the distress of problems to leave and the stress to leave the relationship strengthened rather than broken.

References:

• Gottman, John Mordechai.Silver, Nan. (1999) The seven principles for making marriage work /New York : Crown Publishers,