Making Your House Your Home

I love to create things, make things my own, or simply mess around with something until it suites my taste. I’ve always been one to tinker with things. I think this has come in handy as I have gotten married and we have come to make our house our home.

We were both raised in very different family homes. His family is small. My family is kind of big, six kids in total; yes, all from my parents. His family is active in our faith and most of my family is not. The age differences in his siblings is large and mostly in my family they are small. Simply stated, there are more differences than similarities. That’s where the tinkering comes in handy. 

President Kimball gave some pointers regarding the family relationships. His suggestions are to confide in and counsel with your spouse, establish your own household and any counsel from outside sources should be considered by both spouses prayerfully. (Harper) I agree completely with these statements in my newly wedded state. As our contrasting family upbringing brings up lots of conversation we rely on our ability to communicate openly and to confide in one another. The time that we take to tinker with our thoughts and to talk out our feelings are well worth the effort it takes. 

There are a lot of unknowns when it comes to setting up your first home. Should the bed go here? Or here? What about over there? It took us about 8 tries to figure out just where everything should go in just our bedroom. Creating your own home away from your family allows you and your spouse time to open up and expand the everyday reality for one another. When you are dating you typically don’t see the dirty dishes in the sink or the pile of dirty laundry on the floor. That becomes a different story when you establish your own home.

I love the principle of counseling prayerfully together the counsel of others. I think that most everyone, married and not married has some sort of ideas to share with you when you start to consider getting married. You always should consider the source, odds are someone who you have hardly spoken too won’t really give you advice that is as applicable to you as your own mother or even best friend. The sources close to you, at least in my case, matter to me. 

When we got married we had “Advice Cards” on the tables at our open house and reception. Once we got home and unpacked we were able to read through these counsels. It was an awesome time to consider the source and speak about what we think we should be doing in regards to each particular counsel. Some were easily applicable, “always kiss your spouse goodbye when leaving for work.” Some were a little more complex, literally, someone did some complex math problems that were way over our heads. Even just taking the time to consider the advice helped us to establish what our home would be like. 

As we have come together to confide in one another, establish our own space and to consider the counsel of others we have made our house our home. We have taken the time to seek understanding from the Spirit to understand each other and the will of Father in Heaven. These are wise words and I would like to share them with the world.

Resources

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Vitamin N

I was raised in a home, which regularly practiced the use of the word, "no." That’s not to say that I was never given anything and that I had no fun in my life as a child- quite the opposite actually. My parents were unified and set limitations and expectations for us kids and when we failed to meet them we were often met with a “no” in regards to what our wants were.
My parents were the “executive committee” who met together and made the rules. I remember as a youth knocking on my parent’s door and being met with silence- they never even acknowledged my knocks. This would frustrate me and so I would walk in. Upon walking in my parents were found kneeling in prayer about decisions that we as a family were in the process of making. They were unified with the Lord in the leadership in our family home and this was the foundation for our family and I think it should be for all families.
As decisions were made by the parental units, we would then hold a family counsel meeting, usually prior to the occasional family home evening. We would meet as a family and our parents would petition us children about their expectations for us. There were rules regarding times to be home during the week, during the weekend, when sleep-overs were allowed, a timeline for when chores were considered late, etc. As each rule was given to us it was our responsibility to figure out what our consequences would be if we were to break the rule. Often times we, as children, would committee around making a lenient consequence for a rule that the older children would break often in hopes it would stick. But our parents, knowing the frequent rule breakers would not allow it. Many times over the years when it came time to choose to break a rule or follow it I was faced with the trust that my parents showed to us as we made the rules and that helped influence my decision making.
On the occasion that we would break a rule and wanted to participate in something fun or have one of our wants met we were met by Vitamin M. (Rosemond). “This vital nutrient consists simply of the most character-building two-letter word in the English language-“No”” This helped create a method of self-control in us children. We were able to be a part of the rule making process, determine our consequences and be held to them by loving parents who had our upbringing at heart. Sometimes this isn’t the case parents, “give them (children) far too much of what they want and far too little of what they truly need.”
As parents meet together and make decisions together with the Lord, allow children to participate in family counsels and trust them enough to make decisions regarding consequences the family is unified. Once a family is unified in expectations and someone breaks those expectations and is met with a “no” the unit learns self-control for the next experience. 

The Marital Poop Detector and How to Install

When you get married there are so many decisions to be made, dreams to be shared, ideas to create and hopes to achieve. All of these areas leave room for disagreements and overall discord within your new marriage. A lack of communication about these; even in established marriages, plague couples with perpetual problems and miscommunications. Gottman describes what he calls a “Marital Poop Detector”- that acts as, “a built-in early-warning system that lets you know when your marital quality is in jeopardy.” This detector helps marriages detect discord before it becomes an all out war. (Gottman)

It is important to consider the expectations you have for your marriage with your spouse as well as considering the needs of yourself in marriage. Gottman discovered through his research that the marriages with the greatest expectations for their marriage usually ended up with the highest-quality marriages. So the key here is not to lower your expectations to meet the expectations of others but to help you and your spouse meet the high expectations because it is worth it. 

It is most important to be your spouse’s best friend. Consider now, your relationship with your very best friend who knows everything about you. Conversely you know everything about them correct? This idea of friendship needs to spill into our marriages to help them remain strong. I believe that this is a key to maintaining a healthy marital relationship. When you think there is something off in your friendship with your best friend you call them out and find out what is bothering them. This is the same advice that a couple from Gottman’s study used to keep their marriage together in rocky times. “When her husband gets cranky or withdrawn, she calls him on it and finds out what’s wrong.” Most often it’s the wife but there isn’t a rule explaining only women can do it.

Often times in my marriage  lately I have been stressed out to the max. I’m working full time; close to 50 hours a week, going to school online, in summer taking 9 credits and teaching both relief society and the 13 year old Sunday school class with my husband. I’ve got a lot on my plate right now to

say the least. My husband is a good example of calling me on my crap. If ever I am stressed and he feels a disturbance in our usual banter he always pats the seat, bed, chair next to him and tells me, “Come tell me about your day, it will only take a couple minutes.” This time that he takes from his busy schedule also working and doing school allows us to be there for eachother despite not always agreeing on what is needed.

The Marital Poop Detector is a sensor that can be developed in a marriage as couples remain friends and call one another on the discord that is sometimes felt. No matter the situation as couples, being a friend and seeking that understanding with one another allows the distress of problems to leave and the stress to leave the relationship strengthened rather than broken.

References:

• Gottman, John Mordechai.Silver, Nan. (1999) The seven principles for making marriage work /New York : Crown Publishers,

Agency and Consecration

Webster defines choice as, “the act of choosing: the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities.” (Webster) Consecrate is also defined as, “to make or declare sacred.” This week I learned that these two elements are crucial in creating a successful marriage. We need to make the choices that allow us to consecrate our marriage even in the seemingly minuscule situations.

In marriage there are many issues that come up and can turn in to areas of difficulty for spouses. John Gottman describes two types of problems that plague marriages today; solvable and perpetual problems. Perpetual problems are those that are unmovable, neither party gives in and there is sort of a stalemate. These problems often do not change, they are the same argument at the four-year follow-up in Gottman’s experiments. These consist of 69% of marital conflicts. (Gottman) These are thankfully not the problems that will ruin your marriage. In fact Gottman described these problems that plague marriages as overwhelming but, “they’ve learned to keep them in their place and approach them with a sense of humor.” Solvable problems are those issues that are less painful, gut-wrenching or intense. With Gottman’s advise these problems should be met with a soft start up, use repair attempts, be sure you don’t flood each other, learn to compromise and become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections. Simply stated we need to make the choice what problems are going to be sustained and that which we are willing to compromise on. We have the choice and need to use it in caring ways in our marriages. 

Lynn G. Robbins describes the choices we have thanks to agency and how we must choose not to be angry. “Angression.. suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” The places in which we set our frustrations are those sore spots we need to be aware of and apply more active use of our gift of agency. We do not need to be angry with one another because of a situation we are going through. We should place those feeling and learn to understand them in the context in which we are experiencing. This allows us to make better choices for our betterment as well as practicing our own self-control.

When we put the advise from Gottman and Robbins together in practice in our marriage the little problems do not matter as much and we are able to work through issues better. While putting these ideas into practice I have realized that I am in control of my emotions and not the other way around. Just because my husband follows Nancy’s ideal of squeezing toothpaste from the middle of the tube, doesn’t mean I need to choose to lose control every time I go to brush my teeth after him. (Goddard) While practicing my agency to avoid anger and focusing on the point of the discussion we are going through I have noticed a heightened sense of unity in our marriage. We do not frustrate each other and we are more together spiritually than before. We feel that effect of consecration described in, “Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage” as, “We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so that we can give yet more.”

References:

• https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/choice?src=search-dict-hed
• Gottman, John Mordechai.Silver, Nan. (1999) The seven principles for making marriage work /New York : Crown Publishers,
• Ahttp://www.clipartpanda.com/categories/choice-clipart